Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.