I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.