I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody