I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.