I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Realize this:
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU