Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

tinder is all about the long game

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]