I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean