I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
.
.
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*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.