I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago