I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.