I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.