I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
You Might Also Like
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My work here is don’t.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey