I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
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so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
dictator is short for richard potato
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
A wise man once said nothing.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.