Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.