I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.