I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.