I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
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Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.