Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

My work here is done

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

who wants to go expliring

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together