I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
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And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
what kind of cook setting is this??
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”