I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
termite twitter scares me
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.