I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
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My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.