I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
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why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
