Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?