I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
How funny!
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant