I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Happy thanksgiving
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?