I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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ok like just. call me at this point
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My work here is done
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Perfect.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food