mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?
me: uhh that’s called marijuana
mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it
me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder