@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that’s called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was

@Amburglar_

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@WheelTod

*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”

@vedantm_

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

@simoncholland

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

@HeyoShellz

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder