I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.