I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Have a lovely day 😊
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
This is always good for a laugh.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
