I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Customer is always right
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
<- sleeps well with others
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
