Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.