Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.