I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: I can鈥檛 get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that鈥檚 a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
HER: i鈥檓 leaving you
HIM: is it because we can鈥檛 have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 馃檪
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
If you like pi帽a coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
This is no longer winter this is harassment