I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.