Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.