I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
You are not alone 💚
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.