I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.