I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Artwork by Herta Burbe
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.