I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
