I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Meow?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Ironic
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
