I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*seductively eats two tums*
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath