i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
my sentiments exactly
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?