Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Girl, same.

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Can. I. Help. You.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.