Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*