i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
beware of dog
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!