i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Breaking news:
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I’m confused about plants
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?