Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?