Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

I disagree with my politics

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.