I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
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reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: