I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.