I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Born to be mild.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*