Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Yeah. This was me today.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

I need to know what happened here in 1620.