I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go