I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.