“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
You Might Also Like
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.