i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
