I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
His flabber was gasted 😂
Body by cheese-puffs.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.