I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”