I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Mapping America’s Far Right
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I had to Stop for this
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”