Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.