I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read