I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
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ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
That’s no pocket rocket.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)