Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.