I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
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Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.