I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.