I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.