Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Merica.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??