I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson