If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!
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I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?
Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for