@kumailn

I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!

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@GrumpyComments

If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.

@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

@InternetHippo

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

@CM2BTTHD

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

@ixix82

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

@tchrquotes

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

@PHDaniel_Street

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

@Tobi_Is_Fab

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

@DaddyJew

Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?

Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for