@kumailn

I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!

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@13spencer

People who like “The Bachelor” are like racists; you know they’re out there, but you just hope your friends don’t feel that way.

@brendohare

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

@dafloydsta

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

@ADHDeanASL

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

@BRENTHOR

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

@causticbob

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

@SimplySnaccbar

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

@_elvishpresley_

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

@WotDLuck

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge