People who like “The Bachelor” are like racists; you know they’re out there, but you just hope your friends don’t feel that way.
I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge