Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[montage of me giving-up]
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.